So today is one of those days, the ones that I assume everyone has from time to time, but one of those days where you just don't feel like yourself. You start questioning things, like am I loosing myself? becoming someone else? but if I am not my self, who am I and where is the old me, did I just grow up and out of old habits, is this maturity, what it mean to be an adult....

Or is this a side track, maybe your supposed to take these days and remember what it is that defines the old you, if that was a happier you, maybe you need to look at what was special about it and pin down some tangibles aspects...

The even harder part is now lets get proactive about it, I am having one of those days where I am miss the old

so out with the new and in with the old, I need to gain some perspective

Proactive, F you procrastination

The funny thing is, a lot of us indulge in procrastination, I am not really sure why, there has to be a deep dark reason for it. I say this because when I procrastinate I feel terrible, I put things off, let things loom over my head, cause myself unnecessary anxiety- and so on and so on

But when I am proactive, I feel like a million bucks, I get paid, pay my bills right away am poor for 2 more weeks, but the money always seems to work out, I never go without, and I dont have to deal with nagging guilt of spending my money some where, where I know I shouldn't have.

Yet For every single thing I am proactive about, I procrastinate about 10 times more - I guess the question for me is why, and is it ok, maybe I am being anal and casting procrastination in a bad light when it really shouldn't be. But for me I want to try something new, to do the reverse of what I have done in the past, for every 10 things I am proactive about I will procrastinate about one.

This is my experiment, I will report back to you about how it turns out.

My goals so far

So right now, I am concerned if I am looking for something attainable?
My goals are:

- Have a job I love, to use the education I obtained
- Have Good friends, close family
- Have a great life partner, some one who understands me, holds shared interests
- To be comfortable, money, house- basically to be able to afford to buy food and pay my bills
- A chance to be creative
- To no censor self, love or hate it its me
- To make time for hobbies
- To have a lot of parties, I dont mean all night raggers, But to have people over, vice versa, make time for people around me
- Do something meaning full, helpful, little or big, but to justify my existence ( wow I can't believe I just wrote that)
- and lastly to take care of me- what ever that entails, eating well, Quit smoking which is going to have to happen sometime soon as much as I joke about it, its a scary thing - you only have one body, one life, and I have put mine through a lot of shit

So I am a list maker this is what I do, it's my obsessive compulsive behavior I like to indulge in, and as such I am sure this is going to grow at some point, but these are good beginning goals

Figuring it all out, for now

So the ol question of, to educate or not? I have been in school so long, I think I have built my whole identity around being a student- which is harbored by having self declared - life long learners or professional students for parents.

The problem is I need to figure things out for me, I have made most of my life choices based on others around me. I am not placing the blame on them as it wasn;t even their intention, but I used it to stifle me and me intentions. I choose to go for school for so long because I was scared of being an adult- the whole idea does not seem fun by any means. I chose to live in the same city, even though there is more opportunity else where because I have built my network of close relationships here. To up root seems like a betrayal to my friends and family.

I was conformable, until now, just going about my day to day life, seeing the same people everyday, making no new friends because the ones I have I have had since birth (an exaggeration but it feels like that), I have taken no risks- there for I have received no big rewards. I rely so heavily on those around me to keep me in my comfort zone, that when they dont deliver, I take it personally and allow it to consume me.

But this needs to stop. I need to figure out whats best for me, which I have been avoiding for so long I think I even know who me is anymore, and this is not a sad poor me, I am 25 and need to find my self, I know my self, I am here I just become a little less me on some days and vice versa

The point

So basically I am going to try and use this blog to motivate and document some actions I am going to try and take to shake things up, to figure out what I want to do and what I need to do to figure out some answers to the age ol question of finding your self. Thats the plan anyway.

So, blah blah blah, and it goes on... to me finishing school I did the College thing and then the University thing. Then that was it, I was finally done... and what next... I have no idea, this is what brings me to writing the Blog

- I was left hear, which is kinda no where

The problem I am left with is what the hell am I supposed to do with my life-

I ended up deciding on the Craft College to pursue my desire to be a fashion designer, when I started they made me choose 4 different topics which I had to take intro's to each class. So I chose Photography, Fashion, metal and pottery-

- So I wasn't as fashion inclined as I thought- day one I sewed my hand to the sewing machine, then this became a neat daily occurrence of sewing myself to the machine, or breaking needles off in my body
- so off to pottery, which I have no idea why I choose, because I really have no interest in it but I thought I would give it a go, the pottery I turned out looked like a 4 year old made it
- Then off to photography, which I loved but did not love me- I could not seem to get it right at all - I figured if I took a ton of photos one had to be right- did not really turn out the way the teacher wanted it- I think he put it along the lines of "you have no idea what you are doing do you", and I so did not
- So I chose Metal arts, or maybe they choose me

So 2 years later I was done high school, I just graduated, which was the best moment of my high school moments and I had never been more happy then I was there and then (even though I was late because I went bridge jumping with a car full of high school boys in my undies;
- for those of you who are not aware of this phenomenon, bridge jumping is what you do when you live in the sticks and as a form of entertainment you gather a bunch of friends, you have had your whole life in to the back of their parents car, drive all around the outskirts of town looking for old bridges, during the middle of the day, and strip down to your undies and jump; this later evolved in College to the Damn jumping escapades- which were an even worse idea.

I decided to go to University- my first year ended up being a wash- I drank partied, hard and had a total disregard for school. I eventually and that was the end of University

This going somewhere I swear

So this past summer I turned 25, which to me is a bit of a mile stone (to others probably not), but turning 25 has had some weird side effects, well it may not be the turning 25, it may have more to do with I finally graduated. I graduated after attending post secondary school for 7 years, in a row, straight out of high school.

So I ll lay down the background that made up the decisions I have made so far... and I ll try and make it quick, I swear
I decided in high school, when I was 16, that I was going to be an artist, the starving artist was such a romantic idea. Who wouldn't want to lead the life of a tortured soul, you is compelled to expose their vulnerability to the world, live for what they do, make no money, dress like their homeless, but the romantic idea here that despite all that, you are forging your own destiny, doing what you want, you are your own boss, and some day you may make it.

For some kids, they wanted to be doctors or lawyers or mothers, I wanted to do my own thing, be confident, not care what others thought, make my own path, and to fuck with the Norms. Money was the last thing on my mind, I never had a care about, how expensive my outfit was, the appearance of my accommodations (as long as its clean), as long as I had the basics I would be perfectly fine. Some times I wonder if it's because I have a weird connotation for things- I make up my own ideologies- if you rich, your unhappy, vein and cold; ect. I have a million, which I know may be weird but at least I am aware they exist in my mind.

I meet with my high school guidance councilor, they suggested Ryerson and The craft College- I wanted to be a fashion designer, which when I look back on it know is hilarious, I was probably the moat un-fashionable person you would ever meet. Age five I would go to school in my rubber boots, tights, bicycle shorts and a dress; which I eventually evolved into waring the most outlandish shit you ever saw- I acquired an old high school cheerleaders uniform from the 50's, you better believe I accessorized that lime green bitch and wore the hell out of it - I eventually went as far as to cut up an old house coat and wore it as a dress to school ( Which I am sure embarrassed the hell out of my parents)

Another blog another day

SO I am writing this is my new blog, my 4th

- One I have with my best lady friends
- One was a school project, which I never took down or really have anything to say about its content as its all based on media theology, no longer an interest of mine
- One I started so I could rant about all the shit that bothers me, politically, ethically and basically a rebuttal to subjects that I have taken in school such as IDS- International development studies and white collar crimes (2 of the best class's I have taken they really opened my eyes to the world around me, which I admit I lead a very sheltered life and I guess I was in denial)
- The new I am writing is for my own personal sanity. I don;t really expect anyone to read it, which is fine, and if someone does that is fine as well. This is basically a forum to get things off my chest or my head may explode.

PS. I think it's pretty obvious I love to write, and I work shit out by writing it down or I would never be a productive person, I would just contemplate all day, which is fine if you want to be a sheltered hermit, but I am trying to steer clear of that life style.