So today is one of those days, the ones that I assume everyone has from time to time, but one of those days where you just don't feel like yourself. You start questioning things, like am I loosing myself? becoming someone else? but if I am not my self, who am I and where is the old me, did I just grow up and out of old habits, is this maturity, what it mean to be an adult....

Or is this a side track, maybe your supposed to take these days and remember what it is that defines the old you, if that was a happier you, maybe you need to look at what was special about it and pin down some tangibles aspects...

The even harder part is now lets get proactive about it, I am having one of those days where I am miss the old

so out with the new and in with the old, I need to gain some perspective

Proactive, F you procrastination

The funny thing is, a lot of us indulge in procrastination, I am not really sure why, there has to be a deep dark reason for it. I say this because when I procrastinate I feel terrible, I put things off, let things loom over my head, cause myself unnecessary anxiety- and so on and so on

But when I am proactive, I feel like a million bucks, I get paid, pay my bills right away am poor for 2 more weeks, but the money always seems to work out, I never go without, and I dont have to deal with nagging guilt of spending my money some where, where I know I shouldn't have.

Yet For every single thing I am proactive about, I procrastinate about 10 times more - I guess the question for me is why, and is it ok, maybe I am being anal and casting procrastination in a bad light when it really shouldn't be. But for me I want to try something new, to do the reverse of what I have done in the past, for every 10 things I am proactive about I will procrastinate about one.

This is my experiment, I will report back to you about how it turns out.

My goals so far

So right now, I am concerned if I am looking for something attainable?
My goals are:

- Have a job I love, to use the education I obtained
- Have Good friends, close family
- Have a great life partner, some one who understands me, holds shared interests
- To be comfortable, money, house- basically to be able to afford to buy food and pay my bills
- A chance to be creative
- To no censor self, love or hate it its me
- To make time for hobbies
- To have a lot of parties, I dont mean all night raggers, But to have people over, vice versa, make time for people around me
- Do something meaning full, helpful, little or big, but to justify my existence ( wow I can't believe I just wrote that)
- and lastly to take care of me- what ever that entails, eating well, Quit smoking which is going to have to happen sometime soon as much as I joke about it, its a scary thing - you only have one body, one life, and I have put mine through a lot of shit

So I am a list maker this is what I do, it's my obsessive compulsive behavior I like to indulge in, and as such I am sure this is going to grow at some point, but these are good beginning goals

Figuring it all out, for now

So the ol question of, to educate or not? I have been in school so long, I think I have built my whole identity around being a student- which is harbored by having self declared - life long learners or professional students for parents.

The problem is I need to figure things out for me, I have made most of my life choices based on others around me. I am not placing the blame on them as it wasn;t even their intention, but I used it to stifle me and me intentions. I choose to go for school for so long because I was scared of being an adult- the whole idea does not seem fun by any means. I chose to live in the same city, even though there is more opportunity else where because I have built my network of close relationships here. To up root seems like a betrayal to my friends and family.

I was conformable, until now, just going about my day to day life, seeing the same people everyday, making no new friends because the ones I have I have had since birth (an exaggeration but it feels like that), I have taken no risks- there for I have received no big rewards. I rely so heavily on those around me to keep me in my comfort zone, that when they dont deliver, I take it personally and allow it to consume me.

But this needs to stop. I need to figure out whats best for me, which I have been avoiding for so long I think I even know who me is anymore, and this is not a sad poor me, I am 25 and need to find my self, I know my self, I am here I just become a little less me on some days and vice versa

The point

So basically I am going to try and use this blog to motivate and document some actions I am going to try and take to shake things up, to figure out what I want to do and what I need to do to figure out some answers to the age ol question of finding your self. Thats the plan anyway.

So, blah blah blah, and it goes on... to me finishing school I did the College thing and then the University thing. Then that was it, I was finally done... and what next... I have no idea, this is what brings me to writing the Blog

- I was left hear, which is kinda no where

The problem I am left with is what the hell am I supposed to do with my life-

I ended up deciding on the Craft College to pursue my desire to be a fashion designer, when I started they made me choose 4 different topics which I had to take intro's to each class. So I chose Photography, Fashion, metal and pottery-

- So I wasn't as fashion inclined as I thought- day one I sewed my hand to the sewing machine, then this became a neat daily occurrence of sewing myself to the machine, or breaking needles off in my body
- so off to pottery, which I have no idea why I choose, because I really have no interest in it but I thought I would give it a go, the pottery I turned out looked like a 4 year old made it
- Then off to photography, which I loved but did not love me- I could not seem to get it right at all - I figured if I took a ton of photos one had to be right- did not really turn out the way the teacher wanted it- I think he put it along the lines of "you have no idea what you are doing do you", and I so did not
- So I chose Metal arts, or maybe they choose me